been caught blogging, once, when i was five

it’s funny the message that clicks with you. suddenly, you look down at the fast food wrappers, pizza boxes, empty soda cans and bank balance that’s been run down by easy food, and realize, oh my god, i have a problem.

i’m a professional writer, and i always fail when i try to blog anonymously, but this time i have to.

there have been times, recently, when i thought if i could just purge all that i just ate, i’d be bulemic. i don’t even want to go into the details of the binges; i’m disgusted right now. trying to rewire myself so that i don’t even think about food anymore. i don’t know why it happened today, partly not recognizing myself in pictures, partly the fact that i found myself wanting to order two sandwiches and a pizza from a dominos ad and thinking, yeah, i could eat all that, and partly a 24-hour fitness ad with a woman saying ‘that used to be me, and i used to say i could lose the weight, but one day i started to actually believe it.” am i at that space now?

i’m not unattractive. some would say i’m not even fat, but i weigh about 220 pounds. i’m 5′8, so i can carry it, but i don’t recognize myself in photos, and i don’t know what to do about it. my husband asked me today if i didn’t have the will, but i don’t think it’s about will. i don’t know why, since i had my gallbladder out in 2005, i’ve not been able to restrain myself from wolfing down any comfort food i can get my hands on, even though i’m not hungry and my higher brain says, you don’t need to eat that.

it would be one thing if i was addicted to good food.
it would be another thing if i was living an active lifestyle.

but no, i buy the value meal plus the extra sandwich, i eat the 500-calorie ice cream sandwich for breakfast, i eat the whole bag of chips with the whole jar of con queso, and afterwards i feel so mad at myself.

70 pounds since 2005.

will discipline be enough?
who do i pray to?
how do i do this?